Saturday, 2 February 2013

Chapter sixty six


Christiana spent all her effort focusing on her breakfast. She couldn’t find anyone in the restaurant she could easily sit with without a tirade of Connor related questions, so she had chosen a table hidden in the corner and tried to look as inconspicuous as possible.

Truth was, she didn’t even know why she had come downstairs. She knew that any moment now the team heading out would be coming through those doors and giving their final farewells to everyone else. She gritted her teeth and tried to convince herself to go back upstairs, she didn’t need to see it, she didn’t need to watch the man she loved disappear, possibly forever. But she couldn’t find the will power to leave. She had to see him again, and there was that small hopeful side of her that wished beyond anything else that he will change his mind and choose her instead. She hated that side of her, it usually just opened her up for disappointment and she knew one more wave of disappointment from him and she’d never get over it.

The sound of cheering started up and Christiana sank low into her chair as the team started to file into the room, each wearing the standard thin uniform they’d been instructed to wear underneath their Danel suits. She chewed nervously on a straw and looked around for Connor. He wasn’t to be seen. She felt that annoying hopeful side of her perk her peppy little head in the hope that he had changed his mind and he wasn’t going to go. Unfortunately she disintegrated completely when Connor entered the room, bringing up the rear with Duncan and Daniela, both holding hands and looking very chummy, more so than usual. She made a mental note to investigate that further once the team had left, if she could find time in amongst the deep ocean of depression she envisaged herself falling into once Connor left these walls.

Connor was looking around and Christiana realised that he was looking for her. She sunk even further down in her seat, moving the objects on the table around her, so as to block her from view. It didn’t work however, and Connor met her gaze, immediately making his way over to her. Crap. She thought. She sighed heavily and pulled herself back up, mentally preparing herself for the future conversation. It had been two weeks since they had last spoken. She had taken the very petulant road of avoiding him at all costs. She knew it was childish but she also knew that she was very likely to cave in her resolve to stay split up with him.

He reached her and gave her a look that was so pained, she immediately wanted to wrap her arms around him and kiss the pain away. She blinked back the tears threatening to take over and tried her hardest not to physically react. She waited for his first line, but he just seemed to stare at her, lost for words. It was too much, a rogue tear escaped and she dropped her gaze.

“Please don’t go.”

The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them. She hated herself for not being strong enough for this. She kicked the floor and held back a sob. When he didn’t respond, she stole a look back up at him, he was gazing at her with that loving and beautiful look he saved just for her. Christiana realised then that he actually seemed to be thinking about her request. Hope grabbed a hold of her heart and she tried her hardest not to show it on her face.

“Christie, do you know how much I love you?” He asked, his voice thick with emotion.

Christiana shook her head and suddenly the tears were on full flow. She tried her hardest to wipe them all away. Connor’s arms were around her then, kissing her cheeks and her hair. She gave in and held onto him, crying into his chest.

“I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life.” He whispered into her ear. “I love you and think about you so much that it scares me. You are my everything, I adore you.”

“Then stay.” Christiana said in between sobs, very aware of how needy she sounded. “Prove to me how much you love me, stay here with me.”

He sighed. “Please don’t ask that of me. I can’t. People need me.”

And there it was; the almighty painful chasm of disappointment. She felt it overcome her and immediately her sadness was replaced by anger. She pushed against his hold and stepped away from him.

“Then why come over here at all?” She asked. “Just to gloat to me that I will never be more important than your precious team of soldiers? Well, screw you Connor. Piss off. Go out there and die for all I care. I’m done waiting around for you.”

Connor looked as if he had just been punched in the gut.


“Fuck off, Connor, I mean it!”

Connor sighed. “When I come back Christie, I am going to spend every moment of eternity winning you back.”

“You lose your chance of that the moment you step out of those doors. Be assured of that. I’m done with you.”

“Connor!” Duncan called. “We’ve got to go!”

Connor gave Christiana another begging look, but Christiana turned away from him. Filled with anger and bitter disappointment, the hopeful side of her completely non-existent, she turned and made her way back towards the rooms. When she reached the exit to the restaurant, she stole a look back in time to see the last of the team go through the sliding doors into The Bubble where the entrance to the airlock for outside was. She was suddenly hit with the fact that she wasn’t going to see him again for a whole month, the feeling was so overwhelming that she ran as fast as she could back to her room, where bottles of wine waited for her and she could cry in peace.

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